Holding Jellybabies Hostage
by Life.exe
Summary: Someone's taken all the Jellybabies and held them hostage. How will the Doctor cope? 4th Doctor and K9 star in this crack!fic. Some swearing.


He had faced many monsters. Looked them straight on the eye or eyes, sometimes just their noses. And every time, he responded in the same way:

"Would you like a jellybaby?" He would say, flicking part of his ridiculous scarf over his shoulder and thrusting a white paper bag in the beast's general direction.

Often he would be ignored, sometimes baffling the beast enough to buy enough time to run back into the safely of his blue time machine.

But just like his enemies, even his friends would refuse jellybabies and look at him like it wasn't the time for that sort of thing.

It was only at parties when they would accept, and it wasn't very often he went to parties. He was too busy trying to get out of trouble.

One more time they had faced another monster. This one had been a viscous orange hand-like creature. He had offered it a jellybaby, but it just roared at him. It was probably just as well it didn't want one, he thought, because he had finally run out of them. And that's where he was heading now, to a corner shop to restock on jellybabies. He didn't know what he was going to tell his companions, they were probably expecting something amazing like landing on the top of a volcano or watching a supernova explode. They wouldn't be expecting to land on a grubby street corner on Earth.

They should really try to realise the joys of a nice little jellybaby. Popping it in your mouth just before you run away from a maddened creature with fifty legs and one hellava ugly nose was just another way of blowing a noisy raspberry.

He sat at the controls of the TARDIS with his feet up on something important and vital to their survival. It didn't matter if _he_ did it, but if anyone else did they would certainly not be getting offered a jellybaby very soon.

His companions had buggered off somewhere inside the TARDIS and were probably lost somewhere, possibly their own bedroom.

Now was the perfect time to land onto a boring period of Earth so he could buy his favourite sweet.

The Doctor took his feet off the console and started wandering around the column to find the ignition switch, the clutch, accelerator, and the gears – he couldn't remember the last time he checked the breaks but he preferred bumpy landings so it didn't matter.

During his haste he accidentally knocked poor K9 over. No amount of cries for help or electronic barking was going to get the Doctor to put him the right way up. He just had too face it – the Doctor was too obsessed with his jellybabies.

His fingers danced over the console in excitement at the prospect of jellybabies! The TARDIS also became ecstatic, but for very different reasons.

The landing was a complete disaster as always, and no doubt he would have to make repairs when he got back. And after he'd had some jellybabies. The jellybabies had to come first!

The Doctor stepped cheerfully out of the TARDIS and into a massive dirty puddle. It was raining heavily and within a few seconds he was soaked. Oh well, he thought, and lifted his arms up to embrace the downpour, this is well worth a jellybaby.

He skipped happily to the nearest shop, it was a small little newsagents that sold too much crap – and probably not enough jellybabies. When he opened the door a loud little bell rung by his ear and the man behind the counter looked up.

"What can I do for you?" The man was small, thin and his voice was much the same.

"I would like 10! No! 20 big bags of jellybabies!" He exclaimed, and added, "please."

"Jellybabies?" The man asked, "you want _jellybabies_. Are you joking with me?"

"Yes, jellybabies. And no, I'm not joking."

"Where have you been the last few months?"

"Mainly fighting monsters and saving the universe. Just the usual really." The doctor put his elbow on the counter and looked at the man, "why'd you ask?"

"Because three months ago some nutcase declared that he was holding all the jellybabies in existence hostage." The man said.

The Doctor's mouth fell open in horror, "now you're the one who's joking!"

"Nope. Got a copy of the note here. Look and see yourself!" The man plucked a note off of the wall behind him and showed it to the Doctor.

The Doctor read the note. His world fell apart instantly as the reality of no more jellybabies struck him down.

It was a few moments before he could speak again.

"What kind of a sick bastard would do this?!" He yelled aloud.

XxXxX

The Doctor ran out from the shop and back to the TARDIS, he still had the hostage note in his hand. He was also screaming angrily at everything in his path with wide insane eyes.

He kicked open the TARDIS door and stormed inside. He couldn't believe it. No more jellybabies – it was atrocious! His world had ended! He sat down on his seat and stomped his feet on the TARDIS console a few times.

He eventually calmed down enough to take another look at the note to see if he could find out who had committed such an evil crime. That bastard was going to get some talking to when he was found – possibly something much worse.

Reading the note didn't give any clues. There was no name, and it had been printed out so it wasn't like he could try to recognise the handwriting. He was completely sure this crime had been committed just to piss him off.

"What is wrong, Master?" K9 called out, he had given up trying to ask to be put on his little wheels again and was trying a different approach.

"Jellybabies!" The Doctor grumbled back, his arms folded in a strop.

"I thought you liked them?"

"Some bloody jerk has taken all of them hostage – there's none left. He will be bloody when I find him!"

"What _all_ of them?"

"Yes, _all_ of them! It wouldn't have the same effect if he just stole two, would it? Here look at the copy of the note!" The Doctor hurled the note at the upturned K9. It flapped around helplessly in the air for a few moments before landing miraculously beside the dog.

There was a pause while K9 analysed the message.

"This is not a copy. This is the real note." He said.

"Don't be stupid! We're on Earth! 19-something-something! No space or time travel! It says _all_ the jellybabies in existence have been taken hostage. It can't be the real note." The Doctor got up and pulled the tin dog the right way up, "Take another look now!"

Another pause.

"It is not from Earth. It is from this planet here." He announced.

"Are you broken? This planet here is Earth!" The Doctor yelled.

"It is not from Earth. The paper and the ink originated from this planet here."

"And what is _this planet here_?!"

"It is a planet." K9 said simply. It was like he was enjoying irritating the Doctor.

"Oh Zarquon!" The Doctor slapped his hand across his face in annoyance.

"This planet here is a planet. It is not Earth, it is a planet called this planet here." K9 tried to explain.

"Well fine! If there really is a planet called _this planet here_ then I'm sure the TARDIS will find it. You better be right, dog!" The Doctor shook his fist and glared angrily at K9. Just to look even less sane he pointed at his eyes and then at K9 as if to say, "_I'm watching you!_"

The Doctor and K9 were usually the best of friends and the only thing they fought over was a game of chess, now it was jellybabies that was tearing them apart. What was the universe coming to?

The Doctor crashed the TARDIS into the planet supposedly called _this planet here_. The TARDIS wheezed in complaint, but that was normal.

"If I have landed us on Earth again, then there will be BIG trouble! And I will never play chess with you again. EVER AGAIN!" The Doctor yelled at K9 and flipped his scarf over his shoulder.

K9 looked up at the Doctor and wagged his tail unsurely, "lack of jellybabies makes Master violent." He observed.

"Shut up! Where are we?" He didn't wait for an answer and walked towards the door.

"We are not on Earth, we are on this planet here." K9 replied anyway.

XxXxX

The Doctor's foot stepped out of the TARDIS with a squelch. He looked down.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed.

"What is wrong this time, Master?" K9 asked.

"I have stepped on a precious jellybaby! AND, it was a green one, they're one of the best kind." The Doctor sobbed for a moment and then pulled himself together. He gazed at the landscape of this planet here with an open mouth.

There was no grass.

There were no trees.

No seas.

No stones.

No animals.

Pause for climax

_**ONLY JELLYBABIES!!!**_

The Doctor was in heaven and drooled non-stop for a few minutes.

"Master?" K9 asked. He sounded slightly annoyed.

The Doctor was still in a dream world where he was chasing a massive green jellybaby around the hills of a beautiful planet, and of course the sun was shining and everything happened in slow motion.

"It's a pretty sight that, isn't it, K9?" He commented on the view.

"Master?!" K9 sounded even more annoyed.

"Yes?" He looked down at the dog.

"Stop drooling on me!"

"Ah! Sorry." He wiped his mouth on his sleeves and scarf.

Even though the sight of the jellybabies calmed him down he was still angry, and still determined to find the culprit of this entire monstrosity.

But for the moment it was raining and the sight was enough to delay him with utter delight.

"My gosh! It's raining jellybabies!" He exclaimed and pulled out the empty sweetie bag from his pocket.

"What are you doing, Master?"

"Restocking!" He held the bag out to catch as many as he could with a massive grin on his face. He even tried to catch some in his mouth.

K9 would have shaken his head in disbelief but he could only really nod.

It was quite some time before they started on their quest to find the … _Jellynapper_. The Doctor's little paper bag could hold a few million jellybabies after all and he seemed utterly determined to get at least half the bag full. It eventually came to the point where he decided to lay the bag open on the ground next to the TARDIS and let the jellybabies fall into it.

"If we come back and that bag's full, I will be extremely happy!" The Doctor grinned at K9 and swished his scarf over his shoulder. "Let's go find this Barbaric Jellynapping Jackass!" and he stormed off determinedly in a random direction.

He walked over a few hills of red jellybabies and he also walked by a stream of yellow ones. Even the clouds were jellybaby shaped and floated like bizarre hovercrafts above his head.

Eventually they came to a strange concoction of shapes made also, entirely from jellybabies. It was shaped like a house with a bit of a pineapple twist. Extremely ugly, so ugly in fact that there was never going to be any hope for it at all.

The Doctor only thought it was beautiful because of what it was made from.

"There are some signs of life inside, it is the only lifeform on this planet here. What are you going to do, Master?" K9 asked.

"I will knock…" He began, "knock down that door and rescue all the jellybabies in existence!!!" He shrieked maddeningly and ran straight for the door.

"Oh no." K9 muttered, "Master is probably about to do something really reckless and stupid. Typical!"

XxXxX

The Doctor rammed heavily into the door. Or at least he would have if it hadn't been opened at that precise moment.

He landed in a heap on the floor with a crash. "This is not my day." He muttered and picked up his hat that had fallen from his head.

K9 rolled in beside him and looked at him.

"I knew something like this would happen." He said.

"And you didn't tell me?" The Doctor looked at the dog.

"Affirmative, I did not tell you. Things like this happen all the time. Most people learn from their mistakes, but you…"

"Shut up." The Doctor grumbled.

"Master is getting violent again, he should have another jellybaby."

There was a cough behind them, but the Doctor and K9 completely ignored it.

"That is a very good idea!" He reached into his pockets and pulled out a few jellybabies that he had put in there – just in case of emergencies. He stared at them for a few moments and examined every little detail of them. They were the perfect jellybabies, and they were green. He smiled at them before biting their heads off. He really wished that K9 could experience the joys of a jellybaby, but then he was just a robotic dog. What a sad life he must lead.

On the other hand, K9 was sticking his probe-like nose in the ground and analysing anything and everything unimportant around him. This was his delight and he wondered how the Doctor coped without having a probe for a nose. How dark his life must be!

The cough happened again. This time the Doctor looked up at a massive shadow on the wall. He gasped at it. It was very oddly shaped and incredibly scary. Even K9 whimpered.

"**I AM KING OF THE JELLYBABIES! BOW TO MY MIGHT, YOU PUNY CREATURE! LEAVE ME AND MY PRECIOUS JELLYBABIES ALONE!!!" **The voice was surprisingly squeaky for something so large.

The Doctor gaped at the giant shadow. "But, how can I bow to you if I'm not here?"

The shadow paused.

"**YOU WILL BOW TO MY MIGHT! I AM THE JELLYBABY KING! AND THEN YOU CAN LEAVE ME AND MY JELLYBABIES ALONE – YOU PUNY CREATURE!!!**"

"That's practically exactly the same as what you said the last time." The Doctor said.

"**I DON'T GIVE A JELLY!!! BUGGER OFF!!!**"

"Or what? You're just a shadow!" He yelled.

"**I AM MORE THEN A SHADOW! I SHALL PROVE TO YOU MY JELLYBABY MIGHT!!!**" The shadow shrieked.

There was a blast to the left that sent a pile of orange jellybabies flying.

"NOOOOOO!" The Doctor shouted, "Those were perfectly good jellybabies! You've destroyed them! YOU BASTARD!"

"**DAMN IT! YOU'RE RIGHT! I'VE JUST DESTROYED MY PRECIOUS JELLYBABIES! PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS JELLYBABIES!!! NOW I WILL KILL YOU!!!**"

The Doctor stood up quickly in an attempt to escape the blast. Just as he got up there was a small shot that landed next to where he was sitting. He looked back at the shadow, it was laughing manically.

"K9! Get that – that – that _thing_!"

"My blaster is no use against the shadow Master! The shadow has no physical components!"

Then the Doctor noticed it.

A tiny, tiny little geeky-looking creature under the jellybaby table. It was standing in front of a strong light and casting a huge shadow on the wall.

Well that would explain the voice he thought.

In his utter annoyance at the thing he stamped his foot down on it like it could have been an insect. Just before his foot made contact with it he thought he heard a small voice.

"Oh Bugger!"

Later back in the TARDIS…

The Doctor was sitting back at the console with a full, not half-full, bag of jellybabies. He was extremely pleased with himself. He had saved all the jellybabies in existence and they were now winding their way through time and space to set themselves back on the shop shelves.

The only thing he wasn't so pleased about was the fact that he'd just killed someone. And he had spent half an hour trying to wipe all the mess off of the bottom of his shoe. It hadn't been a very pretty sight.

Oh well, he thought and started comfort eating on jellybabies.

K9 wheeled into his line of view. He was pushing a chess set in front of him in a hopeful manner.

"Oh alright! But you know I'll win!" The Doctor sighed and sat down on the floor next to him.

K9 wagged his tail happily, "Negative! You will not win this time, Master!"

But before they could begin their game. One of the Doctor's companions stumbled into the room.

"My God, this place is a maze!" She wheezed. "It takes me three hours to get from one end of my room to the next! I'm beginning to regret asking for a big room."

"It's good exercise." The Doctor said cheerfully and then asked her:

"Would you like a jellybaby?" And thrust the bag in her direction with a big grin on his face.


End file.
